I don't know, may be it is a flaw in my character, may be it is considered a threat to all my relationships, may be I am normal and the whole world is not... All I know is that if I am really hurt it is too difficult to talk.
This has many reasons.
- I am difficult to understand.
I know I am, and that is why I choose not to talk, trying to give people excuse "How would they know, I did not talk". Some other times I feel it is useless; no one would understand any way, so why try so hard, and then get hurt and feel more terrible cause no one can understand me.
To understand what I feel, you have to decide that you will. You have to know that it will be complex. You have to know that you are going to dive in a deep ocean of complex thoughts and controversy feelings. You have to be focused with every word I am saying, and above all, you have to know me well. Every person has a mechanism of thinking and feeling, some people are gifted in understanding this mechanism, others are experts with specific people, others are unable to understand any body but themselves.
Still, I always believe that love and care make wonders. I guess when you love someone, it means you care to know his/her details, and all of a sudden you feel like you have his/her manual. You know the meaning of each look and every kind of smile. You can sense when they are really happy, or when they are just in a state of denial. For sure this won't be happening all the time. But I guess this is the way things should be usually.
2. My EXPECTATIONS after talking.
If I exerted the effort to talk, and tried to make it as simple as possible, or if I exploded in tears saying whatever that comes to my head, I need to be handled. "الاحتواء", something I always expect after talking. A relief to the explosion of feelings I just had. Usually this is not the reaction I get. Usually I hear words that hurt me even more. The reaction of the person I talk to usually is a disaster, specially if he/she is the one who hurt me in the first place.
You know when all the reactions hurt, if they did not get it it is a crises. If they made you feel you were not supposed to be hurt and acted very indifferently it is a crises. If they stood in silence without uttering a word it is a crises. And if they felt helpless and asked you, what can I do to relief you is something that hurts so much. You just realize there are worlds between you too, and that it is hard to breathe and that you want to be left alone, not because you want to be alone, but because being with him/her while they can't do any thing for you hurt you so much.
I just feel I need to be understood, and I really hope to feel that I was wrong and that there was a misunderstanding. But usually, the case is like this:
- The hurt comes from someone dear to me, but he/she doesn't know me well to be able to recognize the things that hurt me.
- The hurt comes from people who are dear to me; I care for every word I say and every action I do with them, trying to make them happy and never make them sad, and if I did something that hurts, I sense it (usually) alone and I try to make it up for them (specially if I was not hurt by this person several time before). But they do not do it the same way. They don't bother them selves to think about their actions before they do it, or sense they have done me wrong after doing it. This leads us to the next point:
3. Some mistakes can not be discussed.
This is the most difficult point to explain. Imagine with me the following situations (bear in mind the fact that all people make mistakes:
- A mother forgot her child alone at home, and did not realize this except when she was back.
- A husband cheated on his wife; he fell in love with another woman.
- A daughter abandoned her mother, after she got old.
Do you think in these cases, there is something to talk about?! I guess not, it is too hard to explain the hurt inside, whatever said will be nothing compared to the real feeling.
What if I am a very sensitive person (originally), and that I don't need to be subjected to any of this to feel a great damage?
So to some of you, or may be to all of you (I don't care) the following situations would be very trivial, but to me they are not. I know they won't be as hurtful as what was mentioned above, but they still hurt so much:
- Situations that imply selfishness and inconsideration; If someone never see you in the picture. He/she always think of things from his own perspective, he/she will talk to you when they are free, but never ask you if you are free or not. They would choose to go out with you when they have no other plans, and will push you to change any other plans you have. They would care to talk but never care to listen. They will punish you for all your little mistakes, but never see any of theirs. They will treat you as if they don't see you. Would any body tell me why is it worth it to talk in such matters? If this is what they do, it only means they don't care, and if they don't, nothing will make them do.
- Fatal words; Some people when they are angry say things they don't mean, or use words that shouldn't be said, but there is a limit for this. There are words that can not be forgotten, even if forgiven. They leave a mark, and for some people like me, they can not just pass, cause they imply an awful concept. For example, I don't know how couples continue with their relations after some conversations like; A man and a woman fighting and she is leaving the house and he is telling her "Bear in mind that I won't go to your dad's to bring you back home, you are leaving by your free will, if you wanna come back it is ok, if not so bye bye" (The conversation is even more hysterical in Arabic). Another conversation between a dad and his daughter, they were discussing money issues, and no matter what were his intentions he told her "I raised you, and I have spent all this money over you the past 20 years, it is time for me to rest and you be on your own". How would she respond to this, what can be said, how would she explain that it is not about the money, it is about the feeling that she has someone to back her up, that she is not on her own, even if she can". I don't know sometimes I feel there are situations where words are meaningless, nothing could be said to explain.
- Situations that make all the good history as if it did not happen. Betrayals by all its ways and levels. For example, imagine if you are a person, someone who has good values and flaws, but generally you are good. Every one you know, thinks of you as a very considerate person, and some of them think of you as an angel. But, you discover that after a decade of friendship your best friend think of you as a mean person, someone who doesn't care enough of her or of any other people. She thinks of you as a selfish creature who cares only of him/her self. What if you feel like the person who is supposed to know you the most, doesn't know you at all, and he/she is saying her honest openion (from her point of view) to you. What would you say to her, how would you react? Would you explain to her how hurt you are, would you try to convey how shocked you are from her? How would you think of the past years? Were they for real?
So, this is what I saw, this is what I am used to, this was my only option. I can not speak when I am hurt from people. I feel like my breath is taken, and if their reactions were not up to my expectation I even get more hurt. I just feel the song that Latifa sings:
داا أنا على اد مانفسى اتكلم واشتكى منك .. خايفه لتيجى على جرحى .. وتزودها عليا "