What are you waiting for?

Waiting!! Does this word make an echo inside you? For me, it certainly does. All of my life I have been waiting; waiting for something to happen, waiting for things to have; waiting for people to walk into my life, waiting for others to walk away, waiting for me to take the next step and keep on waiting and waiting till my fate takes this step for me or at least minimize my options. I was like this till I suddenly realized that by this, I am waiting for something to happen, so I can start living, though my life already started a long time ago…

Right then I decided that I am done waiting. I learned that if I want something, I shouldn’t wait for the next week, day or even five minutes. I will do it right now. It is like magic, when you suddenly realize that there is no time that you are wasting. Suddenly every thing turned to be bright, and I started having a lot of fun. Finally, I decided to stop thinking, analyzing and planning things, and just act. It is very simple. Dreams are beautiful and relieving, but when they come true, they taste so much better.

I have seen a lot of people who wait all the time, friends, family and work colleagues. A young man who is waiting to travel abroad, a young lady who is waiting to be married, A house wife who is waiting to get pregnant, a man who is waiting for a promotion, a family who is waiting for an opportunity to move out, a couple who are waiting for their financial status to get better so they can have children, a young girl who is waiting to fall in love….And life is on pause in each case, as if nothing has a taste, or meaning unless this thing which they are waiting for happens.

I can not blame those people, I suffered from this my self. But I wish that every one would stop this bad habit. I am not saying that we should rush things, and do things without thinking, but we should avoid the paralysis phase of thinking. Always think in the direction of “SO WHAT?” Every thing you wish, for as long as it won’t cost you a constant damage, just do it. Peruse your dreams, wish for them, act to have them, but don’t wait for them to happen by themselves. If those dreams are not totally in your hand, if they depend on the existence of someone else, or if they totally depend on God (ie; Birth, Death, and Livelihood), then you have to believe in God, and believe that every thing is meant to be done at a specific time and that God has better plans for you than what you have for your self. So, just drop the fact that you are waiting for this dream to happen. Search for things which bring you joy, fulfill your needs, and explore your talents. Stay with people who care for you the most, motivate your self, and be your best friend when needed. It is beautiful when you feel self sufficient and self dependent, but it is even more beautiful when you have people to back you up and support you though you are self sufficient.

Waiting is sometimes tempting I know, it is a very comfortable escape, but you know what you are escaping from, your escaping from your life. And if you feel it is not worth living, then make it so. No one will come and make your life in the color you want to see it with. Believe me, no matter what your waiting for, it is not the clue to live the life you want to live. Life is like a puzzle, it consists of elements that you pick to form your own view of it. Whether it is bright or gloomy, whether each element is interconnected with the other, or they are not relative, whether it creates a comfy balance or a total funny chaos, it is always your choice.

Life is too short to live it as someone else

I need time (time)
Love (love)
Joy (joy)
I need space
I need me
(Action!)




Say hello to the girl that I am!
You're gonna have to see through my perspective
I need to make mistakes just to learn who I am
And I don't wanna be so damn protected
There must be another way
Cause I believe in taking chances
But who am I to say
What a girl is to do
God, I need some answers
What am I to do with my life
(You will find it out don't worry)
How Am I supposed to know what's right?
(You just got to do it your way)
I can't help the way I feel
But my life has been so overprotected
I don't need nobody's Tellin me just what I wanna
What I what what what I'm gonna
Do about my destiny
I Say No, No Nobody's telling me just what what what I wanna do, do I'm so fed up with people telling me to be Someone else but me

(Britney Spears song: “Overprotected”)

I can not believe that after all the time that passed, I will feel this. I can not remember the last time this thought conquered my head, not in the past 2 years at least. But before that, most of my life I was usually under the pressure of pleasing every body around. Every one figured me in a certain template and expects me to be just like he/she imagined. For sure I always failed, cause by time I realized that I am fighting for nothing, Consequently, I suddenly stop doing the things I did not want to do from the first place. By 18, I realized that I do not have to start walking on the same track and stop in the middle of it. I can simply refuse to go through it and that is it. It took me too long to start acting “RIGHT” for the sake of myself. They never realized the pressure they exerted on me. It was always subtle, and for them I was always stubborn and I never listened. They never knew that I might fight and yell, and then between me and my self I try to be the one they wanted me to be or at least consider it. After college, things were settled, I was fine with my life, things were going great, I was proving every word I ever said through out my life. I proved I am capable of adapting, I proved I am capable of succeeding in whatever I would do, and I proved that every thing is meant to be done at a certain time by God's will. I stopped listening to what they say, and I did whatever I like. Those days were nice, and very comfortable. So I can’t believe that I can return to where I was. I hate it when I am not fine, when I am not stable, I hate it when I am like that. Yet still, I don’t want to pay the price of needing help, by let them set a pattern for me and expects me to fit in. I may be messed up, lost, and unstable now, but soon I will figure out what I would do. When I am ready, I will take the right steps in the right direction “from my perspective” and I will be ok, simply because I did it my way.

When I knew how to speak from my heart

I have been waiting for you for so long

Dreaming for the day you will enter my life

Till I almost lost hope and felt that this dream is wrong

And threw my dreams away, which hurt me like being stabbed with a knife

I kept telling my self "I will punish him, and when he is here he will find any one but me"

And that no matter what you would do, I will be tough, harsh and strong for eternity

I was done waiting, for you, and for all my dreams to come true

And I got used to this, to clours like red and orange, and forgot about the blue

Then suddenly, something happened, when I found you close

You were so gentle and tender, and you treated me just like a rose

I let you in my world, I did not think much, not little not at all

And found my self so courageous, and ready to risk it all

You came, to make me miss my self, yet feel born again at the same time

I brought back what was best in me, while retaining the new ME that prime

You collected my forsaken dreams back in a box, and asked me to believe again

Sometimes I am scared to do so, but ..................

If only you know how much this means to me

That with every second by your side, you are saving me

If you know how happy I am for dreaming and believing once more...

And if also you know how much I suffered for all those years I was waiting for

Waiting for you to kidnap me to rescue me to save me from all my fears

Waiting for only you, to take care of me and wipe away my tears

If you know all this, you would know how I feel

You would know how happy yet scared I am to have you in my life for real

Sometimes I am scared to the extent that I try so hard not to feel

Not to feel any of this happiness, security, or any of the love you appeal

I wish to end up this fuss in my head, to let it vanish now and forever

I tell my self "come on think of those times when you will be his (in all the meaning of this word)"

I close my eyes and I imagine, ................then words cant describe no more

The rhymes are gone from my head, the words vanish, and I can’t say any thing any more

How can I describe the feeling of a lost person who finally finds the shore

No words can describe it, and I have to stop writing cause every one is wondering whom I am writing this for.

24th March 2008.

A part of me thinks of you as my enemy

A part of me thinks of you as my enemy, or may be not really my enemy, but some one that is not on my side within certain contexts.

You can not imagine how bad I feel when this thought conquers me. It feels like I can not trust you enough, and that we might be drifted apart all of a sudden, not particularly for something that is worth it. We might fight over a stupid thought just cause we are not on same side. Imagine if one day we face a real problem, or have an issue going on between us. Imagine if other people are involved. I am not sure we will be together by the end of the day.

If you only sees your self in the mirror, considering only what you feel and think. By this you will never see my point of view, or understand the way I feel. If this is happening now, so what is happening next? I might go along with this at first, but later on I will give up on every thing, including me and you. I suffered so much from people of this kind, suffered from being not considered. So when things go on like this, and no one considers my thoughts and feelings, I start considering my self. And right then, we won’t be on the same side.

Apart from this, there is something that tears me apart. It is when I feel for you while feeling that I should not. When I feel that I am stupid for letting you feel comfortable that I am by your side. When you take me for granted, I hate my self for it, I even hate you too. And I set us apart for awhile, as a punishment for both of us. Things can work for a while, then get messed up again. I start to resent you, your existence in my life, and every thing that has to do with you. I am caught in the middle between the joy of feeling that I am finally yours and the resentment of the feeling of being taken for granted. I do not know what to do with my self or with you.Would you figure out a solution before I do? As my solution will be harsh for me and you, and I don't want to end up alone without you.

Dedicated for all the ladies who have been taken for granted, and who suffered from their partners' selfishness.